totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
