My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
