you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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