everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
