I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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