Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
