he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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