I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
