Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
