Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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