There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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