you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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