I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
