I'm sorry my penis didn't work
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
