i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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