I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
