i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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