I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
