census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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