sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
