About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
