I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
