she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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