if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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