I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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