I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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