i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
