Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
