If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
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