When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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