So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She's the barista slut.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
