can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
40s are totally the cure
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
