My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
