I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize