in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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