Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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