I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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