i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize