I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
