If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
