im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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