Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
