I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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