big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
