The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
