Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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