Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
