when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
