if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
