She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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