I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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