Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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