GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dick very happy bro
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
