just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
