I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
