She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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