there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
