this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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