i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
