I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just found puke in my bra..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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