I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
