There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
