Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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