She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
