everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
