between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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